Mind Games
by Bucket
Summary: Because Urahara x Rukia is full of potential crack mind games.
1. When it rains, it pours

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Otherwise, lots of crack-filled stuff would happen.

* * *

Night dressed the sky, dappling mosaic freckles onto the heavens. The placid rain strummed the windows and the walls

In his dimly lit room Urahara looked over his shoulder, eyeing her briefly. Playfully. "My gigai seems to fit you nicely," he teased, his trademark fan concealing most of his face.

"Urahara!" Rukia snapped, head peeking out the bathroom, both embarrassed and infuriated. Her hand tensely gripped the towel wrapped around her body, both out of fear it would fall off and out of the need to punch Urahara in the face.

Urahara overheard rhythmic taps from the showerhead. Steam billowed out the open slip of the door. Rukia's strands of shriveled hair bled water onto the floor. He concluded Ichigo may have been too embarrassed to teach her the etiquettes of showering. He also concluded it was ample time to tease her.

"Too bad you forgot to bring an extra set of cloothes. Now, it's gonna cost you"

"I'll pay you later. Now hurry up. It's getting cold" _Such clunky human contraptions, _she thought. _Requiring one to manually configure its desired temperature through such ugly knobs._

"Hai, hai." He got up and left for the storage room, coming back a few minutes later. He looked away as he approached her, tossing a dress at her.

Rukia would normally use the communal shower, but it had to be fixed for plumbing, in a sense. The other day Ururu found a dead goldfish on the floor and decided to give it a proper burial ceremony. Immedately after she flushed the toilet, a distressed Jinta asked her where his new pet went. In a panicked fury, he trashed the bathroom with his bat in an attempt to stop the water flow.

Rukia emerged from the door a few minutes later, padding her hair with the towel. The weak lighting blurred the meek shadows with the warm orange that clothed them. As well as a sort of forced intimacy. _An odd, cruel joke in light of this situation, _Rukia thought. Urahara still had his back turned towards her.

"Sorry I couldn't get you a braaa" his arm rose in the air with a whimsical wave of his fan. Rukia only crossed her arms across her chest and scowled. She couldn't help but notice how snug the dress felt. It was also short, even for someone as small as her. "Isn't it pretty late for you to shower here?" Urahara queried seriously, slowly turned his eyes towards her.

"Tch. There was a temporary black-out at Ichigo's neighborhood. I should've been able to leave easily, but his sisters rushed into his room soon after. His father tried to drop-kick him in the dark. His family became very attentive for robbers and what they called 'scary noises.' If I had attempted to leave then, the idiot male parental unit may have attacked me and discovered my living quarters."

"Hm. I see."

"And also, there was a math test to study for tomorrow."

"You take your job too seriously," Urahara smiled.

Rukia replied with a light shrug. "Now, I must be going."

"You can get sick, you know. A gigai imitates the human body." Urahara was facing her now. He was lying on his side, head resting on his hand, elbow bent on the floor for support.

"No matter." Rukia proceeded to leave his room.

"Try this."

"Ura - wha BASTARD, ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOOT ME?"

"It's a hair dryer."

"What?"

"Come here." Urahara said, motion her forward. He sat up, sitting cross-legged.

Rukia nervously approached Urahara, then finally sat down opposite him. A roar leapt from the hair dryer. Rukia startled and attempted to punch Urahara for lying to her.

"Relax. It's just hot air. See?" He led the hair-dryer towards her face. Rukia had to admit to herself that it felt refreshingly good, considering the coldness her hair was giving her. Urahara took out a comb and lightly traced it into the front strands of her hair. "First, you do this. And this." He targeted the hairdryer to those strands. "And then you repeat."

"Ah, I see." Rukia responded.

Rukia expected him to give her the hair dryer.

Urahara couldn't hear her over the noise.

He shifted the way he was sitting so that he kneeled. He started briefly combing and drying at the sides, and then the back. With his arm lifted around her head, he couldn't reach parts of the back, so he leaned forward. Alarmingly close.

Rukia could see the direction of his eyes focused over her head, see the small stubbles on his chin. She could hear him breathing, she could smell his breath.

She managed to swallow the lump in her throat, and frowned. "Ura-!"

The huff of the hairdryer immediately stopped. He looked down at her, smiling, almost surprised at himself for having gone on like that. "Sorry, Kuchiki-san. I guess I just got carried away."

"I...It's okay."

They stared awkwardly. Aside from the strumming of the rain, Rukia felt an uncomfortable silence. She gulped again.

Then Urahara kissed her on the forehead.

Then the tip of the hairdryer bounced off his chin.

"I...IDIOT! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" Rukia was flushed and infuriated.

"I just wanted to break the silence," he playfully smirked and shrugged, rubbing his hurting chin.

"I didn't want to be the only one embarra -- Kuchiki-san are you trying to shank me with a comb? Owah-!"

After the teeth of the comb proved to be to blunt to slit his throat, Rukia grabbed the towel, thrusting it against his mouth and nose, pushing him against the floor.

_He would die too peacefully_, she thought, unsatisfied with the possible end result.

Then she noticed the hairdryer right across the room.

Urahara noticed too.

She made a dash for it, but he grabbed her ankle and made her trip. She tried to trip him, but her grip missed his ankle. So, Rukia bolted and tackled him to the floor. Both of them were inches away from the hairdryer.

Then Urahara quickly turned on his back, grabbed her shoulders, and rolled the both of them out of the hairdryer's reach. Rukia ended up on her back, Urahara restraining her outstretched arms. Both of them slightly huffing.

"You're quite feisty when you're angry."

"And you're quite stupid when embarrassed."

And they both smirked.

And then another awkward silence in a more awkward position.

The droning static of the rain grew bewildered and calm.

The dull light dizzied the soft shadows and the orange hues.

She began to relax and compose herself.

He released his grip on her, hands now above her shoulders.

Then he slowly lowered himself, arresting Rukia's mouth with his.

The kiss was soft, but firm.

Feeling foolish, Urahara attempted to pull away to brace for a punch.

Instead, Rukia suckled his lips back inside.

Her hands played on the large slit of bare flesh his clothing had admitted, moving upward to press against the back of his neck. He slowly let his body lie on top of hers. Their kisses were tentative at first, but they were insistent. At times she would playfully tug on his bottom lip with her mouth. Small noises groaned from the back of her throat. Their kisses grew stronger, driving their lips into an aimless lust.

Rukia turned their bodies this time. Urahara's hands roamed the bottom part of her back.

And then the kissing stopped.

"Ohwahh...?" Urahara pretend-whined.

"URAHARA! THIS IS URURU'S DRESS!" Rukia shrieked. She looked awkward, frowning and blushing with her arms crossed while straddling him. "I don't have to pay for it if isn't custom-made."

"O...Oh."

Rukia now stood next to Urahara, who couldn't help but feel a little cheated.

"Well, then...you can just borrow it and return it tomorrow." He looked outside the window. "Oh look, the rain's stopped."

"Good." She stood up and made her way out his room.

"Would you like someone to walk you home?"

"No thanks. I'll be fine."

"Suit yourself. And speaking of which, bring your own clothes next time!" He capriciously waved his fan in the air, boding her farewell.

Rukia scoffed, and made her way out. She smoothed out some of the wrinkles on her dress, and hoped the night breeze smeared some of the stubborn glow from her face. Ichigo has enough trouble trusting Urahara as is. If he saw Rukia looking the way that she did, wearing a dress that was neither Yuzu's or hers, he would toss her in the river and force her to bathe there, or something equally as ridiculous. Add the fact that Rukia wasn't wearing any underw -

OH GADDAMMIT

Rukia stopped, angry at herself for forgetting to retrieve her used clothes. Urahara is indeed a man who knows no shame. Crap. Shit. Excess excrement. She was surprised to already find herself in front of Ichigo's house.

Ichigo had noticed her in his bedroom window. He motioned through elaborated gestures that his sisters were asleep, and that he just knocked out his Dad with his fist. He turned around to listen for any noises, and after a few seconds of reassuring silence, gave her the "OK" gesture. Rukia nodded.

It was too late and too far to go back. And not to forget that damn math test.

* * *

A/N: Rukia really does take showers in Urahara's bathroom, info from the Radio Kon interviews from "Too Schexay!" There should be communal shower for the whole Urahara Shouten crew, seeing that they all live in the same building also. Urahara gets his own bathroom in this fic because he's that awesome. :D

Also, I really don't know if a gigai really imitates the body to the point of illness, but what the hey.


	2. Urahara KISSuke

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I own at least one pair of pants.

* * *

"Welcome to Urahara Shouten!" Urahara enthusiastically greeted one lone customer at the shop, which had just begun opening for the day. He sat cross-legged in his usual spot at the back of the shop, covering his face with his fan the way he usually did. 

"I'm Urahara _KISS_uke, the owner of this shop. If you have a problem just call on me, Urahara _KISS_ukeAgain, that's Ura-ha-ra _KISSsss_ke -"

"I have a problem with your inability to correctly pronounce your own name," said the one lone customer at the shop.

Rukia stood solidly in front of him, arms crossed and stone-faced.

Urahara _Kis_uke. Kiss. How hebetudinous.

"My my, aren't you supposed to be in school, young lady?"

"I came to collect my clothes," she replied with a scowl and slight embarrassment.

"Ah, Kuchiki-san's clothes." Urahara stood up and grinned. "Remember to pick them up next time. It caused a lot of misunderstandings this morning."

"_KIS_uke-san, I've finished opening the cash register," a meek Ururu piped in. Rukia twitched an eyebrow.

"Good. You can go clean the front with Junta." Ururu nodded and politely bowed herself out.

"I'm surprised you're here early. Are you in that much of a hurry to see me?" Urahara fanned his face, hiding a teasing grin, making his way to his room. Rukia followed. She was tempted to stamp his butt with her shoe.

"You're coming with?"

"I don't trust you."

"Fine with me," he casually shrugged.

They had passed by the communal bathroom. Tessai was busy repairing things. He briefly greeted Urahara and Rukia.

"Why don't you use Demon arts, or call a plumber?" Rukia asked. "I understand not wanting to risk revealing Soul Society goods, but that can be easily camouflaged."

"Demon arts require you to know the source of the problem to fix it. None of us are plumbers, so Tessai's getting to the core of things. Besides," Urahara looked back at Rukia, looking serious and grim, "plumbers cost _money_."

"Idiot cheapskate."

"And it also means Kuchiki-san still has to shower in my room"

"SH-SHUT UP."

"Okay okay, we're here."

Rukia resolved to lean on the wall next to the bedroom door, arms crossed, waiting silently and impatiently.

"I put it in a plastic bag and put it here," Urahara said as he searched into his closet, "I didn't touch anything I didn't have to -- honest. Ah - here it is! I trust you have Ururu's dress? "

"It's in my school bag. However, I was unable to wash it or anything of the sort."

"Great! That means it'll cost ya"

"Ara, Urahara-sem_pai_, I was hoping I'd get an _Earl_y Bird Special, too," Rukia's hand was placed on her cheek, trying to hide a modest blush. Her voice had become coy, noticeably girlish. She pouted her small, tender lips. "So unfair."

Urahara blinked a couple of times, then noticed that she had locked the door and dropped her school bag. He grinned, playing along.

"Don't you have a test today, little missy?" He asked enthusiastically, lowering his back to her face her closely, index finger pointed in a playful, a-matter-of-fact manner.

"Academics were never really any of my _strong_ points," she purred. She blushed even more as Urahara dropped his bag and approached her. Both of her hands covered her cheeks this time, and she shifted her body around in a demure manner, "How shall I _ever _pay you?"

She eyed him mischievously. He smirked.

Their kisses were messier than last time. They were disheveled, but just as stubborn - determined to translate this garbled lust. They were on the floor now, Rukia with her legs grasped around Urahara. Their kisses ebbed into a softer rhythm. Longer. Sensual.

He wanted to indulge her. He kissed her passionately, slowly. Her lips welcomed his tongue. He sucked on her neck, licked her collarbone.

She felt the warmth of his weight on top of her. His hands grazed her body, undoing the buttons on her shirt. His kisses trailed down her chest. Deep sighs moaned from the back of her throat.

"Ohwah, Kuchiki-san? Where are you-" 

"Out."

Kuchiki Rukia was walking briskly out of Urahara's room, steadily primping her high school outfit. She held in her hand her school bag and clothes. Urahara was hiding behind his bedroom door with only his head peeking out.

"But I thought - you...we..."

"Maybe next time Urahara-sempai, but I _really _have an important test today," Rukia let her hand shield her mouth in faux sweetness. She let out a sickeningly saccharine giggle. "My, Urahara-sempai, you don't look yourself today...maybe you should rest."

"..."

"Thank you for everything," she smirked triumphantly, giving him a girlish wave before she strode her way out.


	3. What is it good for? Absolutely Nuthin!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but Bleach owns me hard.

* * *

"That test was so haaarrd," Keigo exclaimed, tipping his chair backward. "I'm so glad it's over." 

"I don't think we did so bad," said Mizuiro, being positive as usual.

"What the heck are you saying? Are you saying you passed? We're supposed to be failures!" Keigo almost shrieked, eyes almost bugging out in shock. Quickly he went from one exaggerated gesture to another, more saddened one, feigning tears. "You're leaving me too, huh? For that-that KUROSAKI ICHIGO!" He pointed furiously at a deadpan orange-haired boy.

"Yo," the orange-haired boy greeted with a wry kick to Keigo's face.

"Hello, Ichigo," Mizuiro greeted, smiling calmly, unphased by Keigo's body writhing on the floor.

"IIIIchigo let's have lunch!" Keigo quickly recovered and stood up, happily holding up his lunch.

"Sure, whatever."

"Oh, where's Kuchiki-san?" Mizuiro asked.

"Hell if I know."

"Well you two _are_ together a lot."

"It's nothing like that. She said she had an emergency 'exclusively for girls,' " Ichigo made finger gestures for quotations, mocking Rukia's normally stern voice.

Mizuiro chuckled, smiling. "Ichigo, you know nothing about girls."

"Whatever. That just means you hang around your girlfriends too much."

"Heh, well that's true."

--------------------------------

Rukia stood before the main entrance to school, rechecking the text message on her cell phone: 

"Grave emergency. Meet me at the front of your school ASAP. Alone. You may be in danger. -Sandal-hat PS: if he asks say you have an emergency 'exclusively for girls' "

She stared at the screen, dumbfounded.

What kind of emergency is exclusively for girls?

Then her thoughts wondered to more serious matters.

Has Soul Society discovered her crimes? She contemplated the possibilities. Urahara had mentioned that he would take no responsibility if that had ever happened, so what is the exact situation to warrant such an emergency? Especially to the point that he hide his name? She would have liked to believe that Urahara was actually a decent man, and would aid her if Soul Society had indeed discovered her crimes. But she never knew with him.

Rukia tapped her foot impatiently. Where was he if this was an emergency?

Urahara casually walked past the school entrance, stopping in his tracks, seemingly surprised at seeing Rukia.

"Ah, Hello Kuchiki-san. Lovely day, isn't it? I just had to get out of the store-"

"Urahara! What is this 'emergency'?"

"Ah, emergency, emergency," he mumbled, suddenly appearing before her and within school grounds. Rukia startled. He lowered his back so he could look at her closely. He reported gravely, eyes slyly looking left and right. "There was a lot of trouble yesterday."

"Trouble?"

"Yes," then he paused to collect his thoughts. "I got something from the higher-ups. I'm afraid it might have something to do with you." He cautiously held out a closed hand.

"What is it?" Rukia asked sternly, looking attentively into his hand.

She saw two fingers unravel, and then a bright flash.

Her body collapsed to the ground. Her arms and legs felt absurdly heavy. She felt paralyzed. _Was this object so strong that it caused me to collapse? No, it couldn't be. Unless -_

"BAKUDOH? Urahara, what is the meaning of this!" Rukia shrieked.

Urahara chuckled heartily, hiding his mouth with his fan. He knelt down, face to face with a fuming Rukia, smiling. "Ara, Kuchiki--san, you don't look so well. I think you kids call this condition, _pwnage_."

Rukia scowled, shifting her skirt in hopes it wouldn't reveal anything underneath. She was stuck sitting like a frog.

"There really was a lot of trouble yesterday."

"...Like what?" Rukia reluctantly inquired.

"I was naked and willing but you didn't jump at the offer."

Rukia immediately grimaced. "Ura-URAHARA! FUC-"

He lifted one index finger, as if to speak as-a-matter-of-fact-ly, "Not only that, but you stole back your clothes and didn't pay the necessary fees."

"Ura-"

"Not only that, but you stole some of my own. I wouldn't mind that when it's _after_, of course"

"I-"

"Not only that, but you managed to effectively wreck my remaining clothes. I couldn't work that day _at all_."

"YOU," Rukia paused, almost expecting an interruption, then shrieked in embarrassment. "URAHARA! You kept interrupting me, and now I forgot what I was going to say!"

He laughed. "Kuchiki-san is really cute when she's angry," he smiled as Rukia glowered.

He gently lifted her chin, and with that same hand, brushed some strands of hair to rest behind her ear. His head came surprisingly close to her face, and he whispered something in her ear. The warmth of his breath felt tingly and icy against her ear.

Then he pulled away, smiling. "You're really tempting me with the way you're sitting right now."

---------------------------------------------------

"Hey it's Kuchiki-saaan!" Keigo exclaimed in a singsongy voice. 

"Who is that strange man with her? Ichigo, do you know?" Mizuiro asked.

"Sandal-h...I mean, I dunno," Ichigo tried to hide his surprise with a casual shrug.

"Did she just...head-butt him? Wow, he's knocked out cold," Mizuiro squinted, trying to decipher what was going on. "Ichigo, I think-"

"Yeah," Ichigo grunted, running towards Rukia.

"I was just gonna say that I thought that man was getting back up," Mizuiro shrugged.

------------------------------------------------

"Ichigo!" Rukia called as he ran up to her. 

"Hey, did something happen? Can you get up?"

"Oh, hello Kurosaki-san. Kuchiki-san and I were just having some small talk," Urahara greeted. "Looks like my break time is over. See you later, you two." He proceeded to leave, tapping the school gate with his cane, causing it to slowly open by itself.

"URAHARA! Undo this bakudoh!" Rukia cried, still paralyzed.

He paused briefly, as if lost in a thought. "Ah, I think I may have forgotten something."

A grateful Rukia waited in his silence.

"Nah, I don't think I did," Urahara continued on his way, pretending not to notice Rukia.

"SANDAL-HAT! Get back here," Ichigo exclaimed, running after him. He scanned both sides of the street outside the school. Urahara had vanished. He retreated back to Rukia. "That guy disappeared...Hey, what are we gonna do? You're like, stuck."

"Let's go home. Now."

"What?"

"How do I explain to everybody why I'm like this? Let's go."

"What about the Hollows? Do I have to drag around my dead body and yours too!"

"I'll figure out something later. Now hurry, I think you're friends are coming."

"Fine," he reluctantly agreed.

-----------------------------------------------

"Oiii...Ichigo, is everything alrig-" 

Mizuiro saw Ichigo pick up Rukia in his arms and run in the general direction to his house. In an apparent rush.

"IIICHIGO! Woo, you DOG!" Keigo cheered. He rose a fist in the air. "GOOD JOB!"

"Ara, Ichigo," Mizuiro sheepishly smiled.

----------------------------------------------------------

Rukia crossed her arms and frowned, puffing out one side of her cheek in a childish manner. She felt embarrassed for her current physical state and also for having to involve Ichigo. 

Urahara, that idiot. I will NOT play into his immaturity.

Her cell phone beeped.

"What is it? Hollow?" Ichigo asked, not anticipating the thought of having to drag his own body as well as Rukia's.

"No. Text message." Rukia pressed a couple of buttons and read it.

It read: "I'm winning. :)"

She gawked, then huffed.

"What's it say?"

"NONE OF YOUR CONCERN," she exclaimed, then tried to calm herself. "Please, let's just go home."

"Geez, fine." _She really must be in that time of the month, like Mizuiro said._

_You are absolutely right, _Rukia thought.

Urahara, this does indeed mean war.

* * *

A/N: I am not feeling the inflexible formatting options. Ah well. Thanks for the comments everybody! Rewrote the past chapters a bit. May rewrite this one as well. You know when you jump into something when you have no idea what you're going to do? Yeah. :P


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